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You may be asking
yourself, "Does my boss really deserve this?"
Perhaps the answer is
yes. Perhaps it is no. Only you can decide if you just want
to play a harmless joke, wreak mild havoc on your boss, or
embark on a journey of destruction. The following
multiple-choice test should help you decide if your boss
deserves a single-dagger prank, a double-dagger-, or a
triple-dagger-rated prank.
1. The first thing my
boss insists that I do when I arrive at work in the morning
is:
(a)
Open the
mail.
(b)
Bring him coffee and a doughnut.
(c)
Spray his bald spot with Ron Popeil's GLH or some other
type of hair in a can.
2. Whenever my boss is
dieting, she insists I:
(a)
Keep plenty of fresh fruit in the fridge.
(b)
Faithfully
praise her efforts.
(c)
Eat five pounds of chocolate each day and breathe on her
constantly.
3. When giving
dictation, your boss insists on:
(a)
Including punctuation.
(b)
Making you read back each sentence twice.
(c)
Wearing a crown.
4. My boss considers
sexual harassment:
(a)
An unpleasant reality of office life.
(b)
Unfair because
it doesn't happen to him often enough.
(c)
A "fringe benefit" of my job rather than a
crime.
5. When my boss
attends meetings, she always sits in the back
and:
(a)
Takes copious notes.
(b)
Asks important
questions.
(c)
Heckles the speaker.
6. Unbeknownst to you,
your boss has:
(a)
Bragged about your work skills to office mates.
(b)
Looked through your purse.
(c)
Raffled off your housecleaning services at various
fund-raising auctions on which you must make
good.
7. Your boss pretends
to be a "nice guy" by giving you an extra break every
morning. However, he insists you spend this
time:
(a)
Boning up on your shorthand.
(b)
Running his personal errands.
(c)
Massaging his feet.
8. You can't prove it,
but you know that your boss has stolen:
(a)
An idea from a fellow employee.
(b)
A $5 bill from petty cash.
(c)
Your lunch bag from the fridge more than once.
9. You get annoyed
when your boss won't return:
(a)
Phone calls.
(b)
The money he borrowed for lunch.
(c)
Your red nail polish after he uses it.
10. Each year during
the holidays, your boss makes you save all the fruitcakes so
he/she can:
(a)
Donate them to the needy.
(b)
Bring them to
various potluck dinners throughout the year.
(c)
Give them back next year to the same people who sent them
to him/her this year.
11. When you're both
in a crowd, your boss:
(a)
Opens doors
for you.
(b)
Makes you carry his briefcase.
(c)
Blames any odors he creates on you.
12. My boss insists I
answer the phone with:
(a)
Courtesy.
(b)
A pleasant speaking voice.
(c)
A Hungarian accent.
13. Once a week your
boss asks you to spend your lunch hour:
(a)
As his guest for an expensive meal.
(b)
Picking his children up from nursery school.
(c)
Performing the Denorex test on him.
14. It's unusual for
my boss to show up for work:
(a)
Late.
(b)
With matching socks.
(c)
Sober.
15. My boss usually
has more than one:
(a)
Meeting scheduled at the same time.
(b)
Alibi for why
he didn't finish his work on time.
(c)
Mysterious stain on his trousers.
16. Coworkers don't
like to carpool with my boss because:
(a)
She speeds.
(b)
She sings off-key while she drives.
(c)
Instead of the freeway, she insists on driving on the
communications super highway.
17. Your boss claims
the reason he needs you to sit on his lap is:
(a)
None -- my boss would never do that.
(b)
Because he has laryngitis and wants to make sure he won't
have to strain his voice while giving
dictation.
(c)
So he can practice his ventriloquist act.
18. Your boss always
takes vacation the week raises come
out
because:
(a)
She'll have more money to spend on souvenirs for her
staff.
(b)
She's embarrassed when people thank her for her generous
raises.
(c)
Employees can't find her to ask why she lied about their
raises.
19. Every day your
boss asks you to take a sip of every beverage he is about to
consume. He does this as a:
(a)
Gesture of goodwill; what's his is yours.
(b)
Safeguard against drinking something too hot or
cold.
(c)
Means of having you test-drink his soft drinks in case of
contamination.
20. On a regular
basis, your boss is most likely to open:
(a)
The door for you.
(b)
Your
mail.
(c)
His fly.
21. Each year during
the holidays, your boss starts a Toys for Tots drive in the
office. However, you notice he always solicits donations
of:
(a)
Gifts for children under ten years old.
(b)
Gifts for children over ten years old.
(c)
His favorite brand of alcohol or small power
tools.
22. Whenever my boss
spots me putting something in an envelope, he always
asks:
(a)
"Do you have enough postage?"
(b)
"Are you using
company postage for your utility bills?"
(c)
"May I lick it?"
23. My boss has been
known to spend her lunch hour at:
(a)
The latest seminar learning new achievement
skills.
(b)
The gym.
(c)
The airport Hilton, room 226.
24. My boss prides
himself on being:
(a)
An upstanding member of society.
(b)
Able to make it to work after a night on the
town.
(c)
A Shriner.
25. My boss doesn't
know the meaning of the word:
(a)
"Cheap" -- he's generous to a fault.
(b)
"Thank you" -- he's not particularly gracious.
(c)
"Homophobe" -- although he's the biggest one
going.
26. After returning
from a trip to the doctor's office, my boss is likely to
say:
(a)
"I'm fit as a
fiddle and ready for work."
(b)
"Like I needed
to pay that guy sixty-five dollars for him to tell me I
need to lose weight!"
(c)
"No more worms!"
27. My boss's breath
is so bad that sometimes:
(a)
I have to keep a can of room deodorizer in my
desk.
(b)
People injure themselves while trying to outrun
it.
(c)
If she talks long enough, her eyebrows catch on
fire!
..................................................
SCORING
Give yourself one point
for every
(a)
answer, two points for all
(b)
answers, and
three points for
(c)
answers.
27-40
points
Congratulations! Your
boss sounds like a dream and it appears you have nothing to
complain about. But don't let that stop you.
41-59
points
Look out! Your boss could
go either way, but it's better not to take any chances.
Don't let your boss fraternize with other bosses whose bad
habits could rub off on him/her. As a matter of fact, keep
all contact with the world outside your office to a bare
minimum.
Don't give phone messages
or let him/her see any mail. RSVP "no" to all meetings.
Insist everyone he/she tries to reach by phone is not in.
This will most likely get your boss fired. But then you will
be free to train your new boss to treat you in a manner to
which you are more accustomed.
60-81
points
You know the expression
"Turn the other cheek"? Well, the only cheek you should show
this kind of boss is the one found below your equator. But
he or she would probably like that.
Whether your boss is an
insensitive, Neanderthal brute or an anal-retentive nagger,
he/she will never change.
And you're not going
to change either. But what you can change, thanks to this
book, is your boss's relationship with his/her spouse, boss,
neighbors, and the IRS.
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